Wednesday, August 04, 2010

In therapy... part one

It sounds very American, but I'll admit it, I'm in therapy...
Today was my eighth session and apparently I'm quite normal!



I have struggled with post-natal depression since Eilidh was born and my mood slipped further as I began to suspect that Eilidh's development wasn't normal.  I hoped that I was being paranoid, that the power in her legs was improving but I'm a General Practitioner and I couldn't escape the fact that, deep down, I thought that there was something wrong

As my mood slipped and I became more anxious I made the decision to go to CBT privately.  I couldn't wait for the NHS: I needed to take control and do something positive for myself. Now when it was important for me to get better. Thankfully I started before we got Eilidh's diagnosis...

I remember the morning before we got the news about Eilidh.  I was at CBT feeling scared and empty, angry and lonely.  I thought that I would be unable to do anything to help her and this really worried and scared me.  Why did this have to happen to us?  Why was life so unfair?  I had all of these negative thoughts of Eilidh being disabled and dependent, alone and unloved, bullied and ridiculed.  I was spiralling downwards and didn't know how to stop myself.

I was encouraged to think about positive possibilities and ways that that I could help her.  I wondered whether it was fair that someone else's little child was blessed with SMA?  And why not us?  I realised that, at that point, the possibility of her being able, walking and independent was still a reality.  I came to understand that I would still love her and nurture her, and provide her with a safe and loving family environment.  That I could play with her, teach her and have fun and giggles.  The biggest realisation was that by loving myself, by taking care of myself, I could take care of her and that anything would be possible.  I saw her with only positive attributes - independent, determined, willful, intelligent, happy, healthy and loved...

And that is how I survived the initial shock at the diagnosis... positive thoughts that I hadn't been capable of before that CBT session...

American it might be, but being "in therapy" is helping.


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