Friday, December 31, 2010

Ne'er's Eve

"New Year's Eve is like every other night: there is no pause in the march of the universe; no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness and other nights."
Hamilton Wright Mabie


For me Ne'er is a time of reflection.
It always has been.
It has never really been about the celebration,
But more a time
To pause
&
Reflect.
On the past
and to
the future.

I do not know what the coming year has to offer me, my family or my friends.

But, I do know that whatever should happen in the coming year we will cope - with the love and support of others carrying us and our own love binding us strongly together.

I do know that I will have the strength to do as much as I am able to do for my family and friends for they are my life.

I do know that I will find my sense of purpose and direction. 

And I know
That I will dream again...
And aspire...
And hope...

So...  As 2010 draws to a close I remember
the happy times,
the sad times
and the love that has carried us through them...

May 2011 be full of love and laughter and happiness; whatever it may bring...

I Give Thee Thanks

This year could have been so different...


It has been a difficult and painful year
With Eilidh being diagnosed with
SMA
But I have survived
& perhaps
Grown stronger too.


I have been humbled by peoples'
kindness of spirit
and
generosity.


I have been carried high
by the love
and support
of family and friends.


I thank each and every person who has donated
or sent words of comfort or wisdom.
For they have made this year one to remember:
and I am trying so very hard to remember it not for the pain that it has brought me
but for the love and support that I have received ...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Start Afresh...

I try to
Start
Afresh
Each
Day...

To approach
Each day
Replenished
&
New.

A
Ever
New
&
Radiant
Possibility.

But
Sometimes
It's
Difficult...

Burdens
Of
Yesterday
Weigh
Heavy...

Not today though...

Today
Is
A
Good
Day...

This morning I found a magnet that my Godmummy gave me for Christmas...
Wise words to end the day and start the next anew:


"finish each day and be done with it. you have done what you could. some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.  tomorrow is a new day.  you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
Emerson

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

But My Christmas Present...

... from the girls, quite simply, touched my heart...

I have a fond childhood memory of my Grannie's button box:
An old Roses tin,
battered and scratched,
hidden away in the drawers in the sitting room.
Many a Saturday I would
rifle and rummage
through the tin,
looking for new treasures
and prized buttons.
Grannie would remember the
Dress
or the
Cardigan
the button came from.
They captured happy moments
and special times.

I remember the colours
and the
shapes
and the
feel of the buttons.
I remember
the time spent
with Grannie.

I wonder where her button box went
when she died?

I have my own button box now:
to rifle
and
rummage through;
To keep memories alive
and
"just in case"
a button should ever go astray.

My Christmas present from the girls this year?
A homemade
heart
of
buttons.





There has never been so tender a gift given...
Or received...
xxx

A house warming gift

A house warming present from The Uplifting Muse...
An elephant in the room for those difficult silent moments...
And a moment of clarity too:
Everytime I am with Eilidh
&
See her smile,
I forget about SMA
and
Remember why I am here:
To love & nurture her
And be her mummy...



courtesy of freya art & design





My Christmas Present...

... from D is perfect...
Considering that there really was nothing that I could ask for for Christmas that wasn't an impossible ask.
But I did ask for a necklace by Kate Smith which I have hankered after on and off over the year...
I loved the simplicity of the design.
The etched gold on silver.
The Circle...

by Kate Smith Jewellery


The circle reminds me of the koru - a symbol in Maori art.  The koru is a spiral shape which is based on the shape of a new unfurling silver fern frond and symbolises new life, growth, strength and peace.

The necklace and the koru are quite different but still the circles convey the idea of perpetual movement, everlasting love, and physical and emotional strength.

Seven months on from diagnosis day - yes, where did the time go? - I ask for strength and peace to live each day to it's fullest, safely encircled in the love of my family.  The necklace that I wear today reminds me that it is possible to live in such a way...

The necklace also reminds me of a reading from our wedding day; our 6th wedding anniversary is fast approaching... where DID the time go?  Happily and blissfully unaware of time perhaps?



Marriage Joins Two People In The Circle Of Its Love 
Marriage is a commitment to life, the best that two people can find and bring out in each other.  It offers opportunities for sharing and growth that no other relationship can equal.  It is a physical and an emotional joining that is promised for a lifetime.  Within the circle of its love, marriage encompasses all of life's most important relationships.  A wife and a husband are each other's best friend, confidant, lover, teacher, listener, and critic.  Happiness is fuller, memories are fresher, commitment is stronger, even anger is felt more strongly, and passes away more quickly.  Marriage understands and forgives the mistakes life is unable to avoid.  It encourages and nurtures new life, new experiences, new ways of expressing a love that is deeper than life.  When two people pledge their love and care for each other in marriage, they create a spirit unique unto themselves which binds them closer than any spoken or written words.  Marriage is a promise, a potential made in the hearts of two people who love each other and takes a lifetime to fulfill.
Edmund O'Neill

Friday, December 24, 2010

"Twas the night before Christmas"

Midnight is approaching;
Santa is coming.
The girls are asleep.

The shop has been built -
I wonder what they will sell?
The brussel sprouts deconstructed
Heston style.

David is wrapping presents.
I can hear the sellotape..
And me?
I'm sitting here
Thinking.

I have frequently been asked
"What's on your Christmas List?"
And I haven't been able to reply.
How do I ask for a miracle?
For Eilidh to be free of SMA...
I can't.
And the tears fall...

I don't want much for Christmas:
Peace in my heart;
Love for my family;
And joy.

A woodpecker in the garden
Would be a blessing too.
The woodpecker graces our family
From time to time
Wherever we may be.

I guess that I'll have to be patient
And wait & see
If she appears.
Or perhaps she's already here...

May your Christmas be merry and bright
And may all your dreams ( and miracles... ) come true in the coming year
xxx

The Fullness of Life

I have said before that I am not devoutly religious but I do believe that God is within each of us and that He surrounds us with his love, grace and peace

I have surprised myself this morning with this post...
it wasn't what I thought that I was going to write having just updated my Facebook status but I just heard this quote and found myself typing...

 “God is always faithful to His promises, but He often surprises us in the way He fulfils them.”
Pope Benedict XVI


The Pope spoke on Radio 4 and he has reminded me that God walks with my family and I no matter the circumstances we find ourselves in. 

He is with us during the storms and frosts of life and during the days when the sun shines bright and rainbows fill the sky.  

We need to continue to trust Him, to entrust our lives to Him and he will perform miracles through us and for us too. 

I need to believe in something...
Someone...

Listen to the Broadcast and see a Transcript here

Monday, December 13, 2010

at the edge of forever...


"Standing at the edge of forever
at the start of whatever
shouting love at the World."
Take That: The Flood

is how i felt at the time of diagnosis:
forever lay ahead of us
but no one knew what that meant.


i shouted at the world -
"love!"
asking and giving.
hoping and receiving.

with love,
forever isn't so lonely;
whatever it may bring...

Sunday, December 12, 2010

A Wee Reminder...

This is why the last few weeks have been mad...
This is why I'm busy chasing my tail...
This is why I don't have time for me...

"As one person I cannot change the world, but I can change the world for one person."
Paul Spear
I'm trying to change Eilidh's world...
And the world of those just like her...

Today I remembered why the last few weeks have been mayhem...
And you know what?
It's ok that I've been busy...
It's ok that I've not had time for me...
In the grand scheme of things, the last few weeks have changed my perspective on the world...
I cannot change the world that I live in, but I can make Eilidh's world a little brighter...
And that is what is important to me at the moment.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

6th November

A diary day...

"there have been so many moments when i have thought
"i need to write that down"
or
"i need to think about that more"
but then time passes on by and i forget or don't make the time just to sit down, be still, be alone and reflect and write. 
i don't know where time goes. 
it passes.
yes, it passes, but too quickly.
all too quickly. 
time won't stand still. i do not own it. neither can i control it. i, we, just have to live in each moment of time that we have.

i was thinking earlier if i am the best that i can be when i am with david and the little ones? 
i wanted, and still want to believe that i am.
i could tell myself that i am, but i know that i am not. 
i am damn good when i am with them and present in their love.
but, at the moment at least, i am best (probably) when i am alone with no one pushing or pulling me in this direction or that direction. 
i feel more in control. 
more at peace. 
is that selfish? i hope not: i don't think so... 
these moments alone allow me to be better when i am with them.  i can give more of myself to them, knowing that i have had time to myself.  time to be true to myself."

Diary Days

I have this blog
but I also have a diary.
A paper diary.
A real diary.
Something to hold.
Something that feels real.

A diary...
A place where all my thoughts and ramblings can find a place to just "be".
Where they are real and peaceful and mine.

There are some moments that I don't want to share with anyone.
Dark moments. Personal moments.

There are times that I cannot get access to a computer when paper comes a second best.

There are days when paper is the only thing I want to write on. 
When words flow easier and my mind can truly wander without a thought about someone else reading my ramblings.

But there are also days in my diary that I would like to share...
So enjoy them when I share them...
Maybe you'll see a different side of me...

Remember Me?

A long, long time has passed...
Not so long that I have forgotten how to write
But perhaps a little too long
In that I have
Forgotten
A little about
Who I am...


I've been caught up in the whizzy whirlwind that is
The Whizzy Wheel Fund.

I have been lifted high by my family, friends and utter strangers,
Supported and exalted
And so, so very humbled.


People have been
Good
and
Kind
and
so, so, so
very
Generous...


But amidst these crazy months I have lost a little bit of myself.
I have been so busy looking after others;
Raising money for Eilidh;
Thinking about the house move;
And Studying
That I have forgotten myself.
My Spiritual Self.
My Emotional Self.
My Physical Self.
And I am really not very sure when I can take the time to fix this.
To look after myself
And rediscover Me.
I know that I will though
Because I know how integral I am to this Family.
They need me
As I need them...