Friday, May 20, 2011

Pieces - part I

a million little pieces by James Frey


The Young Man came to the Old Man seeking counsel.
I broke something, Old Man.
How badly is it broken?
It’s in a million little pieces.
I’m afraid I can’t help you.
There’s nothing you can do.
It can’t be fixed.
It’s broken beyond repair. It’s in a million little pieces.

I wonder what happens when your brain fragments and dissociates from the body it controls and the world that it belongs to?

I wonder how many pieces it breaks into?

Do you ever wonder the same?

Maybe it's just me...

Your mind - I guess -  could break because of mental illness or alcohol or drugs or all three and you could well be dissociated from yourself, from your loved ones, from your friends...

Isolated and alone.

Your heart can break too - as many of us may well know...

Have you ever wondered how many pieces it would break into should yours be broken?

Again, perhaps it's just me wondering...

Does it break into 2?

Or by the power of 2?

Over and over again?

Or into a million pieces?

Or more?

Have you ever wondered if - and how - your heart repairs itself after being broken?

I hope that it does, but I guess that it'll take some time...

And some love.

But I think that there will always be a little piece missing,

Lost forever.

My heart and mind broke about a year ago - into how many pieces I do not know - when SMA came into our lives.  Thankfully and slowly, with a little love, grace and faith, they are piecing themselves back together, but I know that there remains a gaping hole in my heart which will surely never mend... 

James Frey's mind broke into "a million little pieces": at the age of 23 he had to make a choice - he chose life and fought hard to re-write his future before he was robbed of it.  Sure, he may have embellished the truth and written a few untruths, but (for goodness sake!)  he fought his demons and won!  A few years later, however, he was to face another challenge.  His son Leo was born with SMA; he lived for 11 days.

I wonder how many pieces his mind and heart broke into then?

I wonder if they are slowly repairing?

I ache for him and yet I cannot understand the pain that he is experiencing because I have not lost my child to SMA: I am one of the lucky ones - Eilidh is so very much here with us now.  Some families aren't so lucky...

SMA could affect anyone: after all 1 in 40 of us is carriers.
How do we cope when are lives are shattered and our hearts and minds are broken?
We will all go about living and coping in our own way:
We do, slowly but surely get stronger.
I promise.


this is us said...

This is a really beautiful post, a heart broken is something nearly everyone can relate to, but a broken heart over a child is something only a few have to bear, and to do it and still be smiling is something special. Nat x

Anonymous said...

A really thought-provoking post. A million pieces is how it feels when someone breaks your heart.

CJ xx

Katie aka @mummydaddyme said...

I have read his book and it really had me hooked from the first page. A beautiful post. I am a new follower from the Brits Mums Blog Hop! Looking forward to reading more of your blog. Feel free to check out mine! ;) x

LittleMamma said...

This made me feel so sad. I don't know what else to say. Thank you for sharing such an honest and heartfelt and thought provoking post.