Sunday, June 05, 2011


I have a question.
Just one question.
Just one.

There is a question that I want to ask, but I can't...
I'm scared of the answer which is surely never.

If I don't ask it then no one can tell me the truth.
I can protect myself: we know that the truth often hurts, doesn't it?

Or maybe they'll just look at me, unable to answer
And yet their eyes will tell me everything - eyes are the windows to our soul.

So maybe it's better just not to ask... to protect myself...
But the question repeats over and over and over in my mind:

" Will this pain and sadness ever go away?"

The pain that hits when Eilidh asks to walk or go on a bike or cries because she doesn't want to go in her wheelchair. The sadness that I feel when she struggles to push her pram, or she reaches out for her baby doll and cannot lift it, or wants to put her pretty shoes on (shoes that she will never walk in).  Someone once said "don't sweat the small stuff" but actually it's the small, inanimate, day-to-day things that make me cry...

A week or two might pass.
Life will have been good.
Fun has been had.
No hurdles or obstacles encountered.


The enormity of Eilidh's diagnosis and the impact that it is having on all of us hits me square in the heart and I'm thrown in to a downward spiral...
I feel as if I am drowning - deeper and deeper...
My sadness feels bottomless and I am inconsolable.
It feels as if this, the pain and sadness, will last forever and that no one can help me.

But, just as suddenly, I stop spiralling downwards.
I reach upwards.
I start swimming, helping myself back up to normality.
To our normality.
To my family - for they are my lifebelt as I bob along on the sea of life.

Do I get stronger?
I hope that I do because if I don't then I'll have learnt nothing and I won't grow.
But I know that I am growing (I just need reminding sometimes);
I am becoming stronger despite my sadness
(which, I think, if I'm honest, will never go away).


Emma said...

Sending you a very inadequate hug, and wishing you lots of strength, it must be so very hard sometimes. Emma

bod for tea said...

You are SUCH a strong, brave, wonderful Mummy. My heart goes out to you and I hope that tomorrow is a good day. x

I Want My Mummy said...

I think you are stronger than you realise. Respect, admiration and hugs all coming your way

Romanianmum said...

I am so happy i discover your blog. Thank you LAB. I shared a cry while reading your post. You are an incredible MUM!

ever hopeful mummy said...

thank you i want my mummy and romanianmumn - thank you for stopping by. it's strange coming back to read this post - it feels so real but not quite as raw now - i must be getting stronger...