Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Embracing "me" II

Tonight I found this which is really rather apt: I have felt the need to find out how to heal myself and go on living...

Last week I went back to CBT: long overdue perhaps but it was time to reach out for help.

You see, the little voice inside my head was back, crying out in repeat:

"i can't do this, i can't do this, i can't do this"

Whatever "this" was I realised that I could not do "it" alone and in isolation (even with the support of D, my family and friends).  The previous week had been proof of this; so many tears had fallen and, deep down I knew what I had to do; it was time to reach out and grasp my life

(what is "this"? I'm not very sure if I really know... living? living with heartbreak? living with a disabled child?  and, if i'm honest, i still don't know that "this" is... anything? everything?)

In theory I know, and am doing, everything that I should be  - well, I am kind of! -  but I need a little more help.  I need help to move forward; help to carry on living.

So... back to CBT - an act of kindness to myself - to carry on living (with some help) because I know that I cannot hide behind Eilidh anymore.  I cannot put my life on hold and not grab it wholeheartedly.  I don't think that Eilidh would ever forgive me - nor, for that matter, would I - if, in years to come I suddenly wonder where my life has gone.

Going back was easier than I expected.  I have come to realise that it's not "failure" to be back "in therapy".  I see it more as me having some "me-time" to embrace my humanity & frailty, to explore my feelings and attitude, to grab my life with both hands, to live wholeheartedly and to experience the beautiful things in day-to-day life because I know that they are there waiting for me to find them...

So this is me, grabbing life;
I promise to tell you what it's like...


Devon said...

It is such a struggle to get over thinking that since your child is disabled, that somehow means you have to stop living a life of your own. I have struggled with that for three years and I am just now starting to over come that pattern of thinking. How is my refusing to live my own life going to heal Dakin? It won't. He is my universe and my world, but I am finally understanding that I have a right to have a bit of a life too. Good luck to you on your journey!!

TheMadHouse said...

I do not have a disabled child, but I have suffered with depression for a lot of my adulthood and I have to say that CBT is the one thing that has kept me alive. I underwent six months at home just after losing a children when Mini was only 4 months old and it has changed me, challenged me and made me who I am today. I am glad to have found your blog and hope that I can follow you on your journey with your amazing family