Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Caught Unaware

It's a Sunday night; it's been a long but happy day.  We slump on the sofa with a cuppa and a biccie and look to the tv to switch off and relax.  X-Factor - one of my guilty pleasures - comes on and


I'm caught unaware.  The break in my heart opens to show me my pain and the tears fall; the sadness is overwhelming.  In an instant I am reminded how precious life is.  I am forced to remember that my child has a potentially life shortening illness.  I am reminded that she will become weaker and need lifted and dressed and bathed and cared for.  I am reminded how much I am hurting: Oh, my God, I am hurting...

You think that you are taking each day as it comes, that you are doing "just fine", but then the reality hits and it hits hard.  I am managing.  I am putting a very brave face on, but sometimes I am caught unaware...

There are approximately 23,500 children and young adults living in the UK who are unlikely to reach adulthood - I know, therefore, that I am not alone; there are many mummys out there who care for their children just as I care for Eilidh, each one of us hoping and wishing and praying that our child's life isn't too short, that we can have many precious days together.  There are too many stars in the sky to count, but there are many wishes to be made: Eilidh's star shines bright.


Please take the time to read another post over at Whizzy Wheels which talks of the importance of "Together for Short Lives" and the other charities which will benefit from the proceeds of the sale of this single.  Thank you x

Monday, November 28, 2011

"You fill up my senses", sweet baby

This one's for Sweetpea

The first moment I was alone with Niamh, I held her close and I played her this song...

She captivated me completely.  She drew me into her soul, teaching me of unconditional love and the joy of motherhoodShe filled my senses and I saw the world afresh and new.

John Denver is my guilty pleasure... Niamh was born into a John Denver crazy family; this is one of the first of his songs that I remember from my childhood and there, in the maternity ward, I wanted to share it with her.   

She has since danced to John with her grannie and her mummy singing off key, loud and proud.   She loves "Grandma's Feather Bed" and bounces on beds like she's never bounced before.   These moments, just like the first one I shared with her nearly five years ago, make my heart soar.

So here's to the soon to be new member of the John Denver Fan Club: you don't know it yet but your mummy loves John Denver...

"I'll walk in the rain by your side,
I'll cling to the warmth in your hand,
I'll do anything to keep you satisfied.
I love you more than anybody can."

Sunday, November 27, 2011

"Fold your wings round them"

There are times when my children are sleeping, peacefully and soundly, that I ask for God to hold them tight, to protect them and guide them through life.  Today I pray that He looks after all of the children I already know and love, and those who I have yet to meet...

O Angels of God, from heaven so bright,
watching beside my children to lead them aright;
Fold your wings round them, and guard them with love;
Softly sing songs to them of heaven above.


Saturday, November 12, 2011

Volcanoes and Glaciers

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
Mark Twain

Tomorrow D and I set out on an adventure, just the two of us.  David turns 40 next week and this is his birthday present from me to him.  We are so in need of time together, alone, far from our day-to-day responsibilities and the demands of family life.  We need time together to rekindle our friendship and the love that binds us.  It feels that we have been so busy focusing on the girls and family life that we have forgotten that there was an "us".  The "us" is central to family life and we know that if we are strong then we can support each other whatever should happen in our day-to-dayWe, like every couple, need to work on the strong bond that already exists between us and never take each other for granted.  This time is for us... 

"We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open."
Jawaharal Nehru

Friday, November 11, 2011

In the Silence

"All we have of freedom, all we use or know -
This our fathers bought for us long and long ago."

Rudyard Kipling

pause in the silence today.  let yourself be drawn into it, and perhaps, amidst the calm, you will find some sense of peace;  with yourself, with those you love, with those you have lost, with God.  take a moment to take stock, to remember, to grieve: when the silence ends, rejoin the every day, full of life and the living, and give everything to those still present because life continues on.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Knit one, Purl one

i have lost myself in the rhythmical and monotonous beauty of knitting.
i pick up my needles and knit, losing myself for hours, focusing only on each stitch, forgetting the day-to-day, pouring my love into each knit and purl.  
these stitches will soon sit gently and warmly against soft skin, bringing heartfelt warmth and love to the recipients.
i knit on; the end is in sight, but what then? 
what little project calls out to me then?

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

"it's a new dawn"

it hit me one night a couple of weeks ago that i can no longer listen to my favourite song.  i was lying in bed, listening to a random selection of songs, trying to capture sleep.  gregory porter came on and silent tears fell; then and there i realised "feeling good" is no longer me.  "it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life" and all of the positivity these words embrace don't seem to apply to my day-to-day anymore.  the image of "butterflies all having fun" conjures up a carefree attitude - an attitude i embraced in years gone by which now feels unachievable... and as i fell into a gentle slumber that night, i so wished that i could "sleep in peace when the day is done"...  perhaps it just wasn't the right time to be listening to the song and yet through the years it has helped me over and over again to see the positive side of life and to enjoy the moment.  perhaps it's time to find a new song to guide me in my new life, inspiring my new normal; but until i find that song - whatever it may be! -  it's back to john denver i'm afraid...