Take Friday for example:
Hiding in the aisles of tesco, I am sobbing. My heart is tearing open again.
For days I can go along and everything is ok, everything is fine... Then one morning I will wake up and not want to climb out from under the duvet where I feel safe. I do climb out though and I dress and brush my teeth. On auto-pilot I will get the girls breakfast and help them with their clothes. I will take the girls to nursery and smile and hug them and make small chat with other mummys and then say goodbye.
Then, in the safety of my car, the tears will fall and the sobbing starts. The world will feel as if it is collapsing in on me and that I can’t do this, that I can’t go on living like this, that I can’t cope with all that I have been dealt. Through the tears I will drive away from my children and my home life...
This morning was one such morning. I sobbed in the aisles of tesco, hiding amongst the children’s clothing, hoping that no one would see me but praying for someone to save me. My Charleston Girl phones, "Are you alright?”. “No!" I sob and the sobbing continues on.
Eilidh... work... life... me...
Nothing in particular, everything in general.
I don’t know if I can do it; I don’t know if I have the strength to carry on.
I want to wake up from this bad dream and I want to wake up now!
"You need a break."
We need support.
We need TLC.
We need to sleep.
Without sleep, life is so much harder.
Without time to ourselves, how can we care for our children, our family?
Without support, how can we go on?
And the tears run dry. I make my way out of tesco and on to work; the mask goes on and the day continues. The question, how can we continue on?