Monday, March 03, 2014

Where are You now?




A realisation:
not one single moment
but a slow,
creeping,
growing
realisation
that I cannot
utter
His
name.

My lips still.
I am silenced.
My mind quiet.
Barriers rise
and I feel
helpless.

When did this happen?
How could this happen?
Why has it taken until now
for me to feel this
absence?

I remember,
not so long ago,
sitting in a church,
peaceful
and at
ease.
There was no
anger
and in the
silence I heard
His words.

And now?
I am blinkered,
deaf and
silent.
I try to utter
His name;
I stick on the first
sound...
I want to call out
but am
paralysed.

I am sure that
He
walked beside me
on my journey
to this moment,
but now
I
feel
lost -
not abandoned but rather
bewildered and
frightened and
alone.

I am unable to reach out to
Him.
I am unable to pray
for those I love,
for my family and friends.
I am unable to pray for myself.
I am unable to ask for
His help.

Why has my relationship
dissolved?
And without me being
truly 
aware?
Why have I abandoned Him
when before
He offered
love
&
hope
&
courage?
Where has my trust gone?

I have lost my way:
all maps and signposts are
foreign to me.
I could call out,
seek help
but something holds me back.
What am I frightened of?
That He has forgotten me?
That He has deserted me?
No!
I know that He is near...
So what holds me back?
I do...
I am holding myself back 
because if I call,
if I seek Him,
I am sure that I would
crumble
before Him,
seeking to be saved and
healed.

This is my life, 
however:
bittersweet,
melancholic,
with glimpses of 
radiant, joyous light.
It cannot be healed - 
it is what it is! 
I am impotent:
why call when this
life has been
gifted by
Him?
How can He help?
What good will He do?

And to this end
I remain silent,
mute and refrained,
until I feel the time is right
to surrender in front of
Him,
to admit that life is not 
all that it seems
and that I need His help,
that I need to be saved.












 


"Oh God, where are you now?
And what you gonna do
About the mess I've made?
If there was ever a soul to save
It must be me, It must be me
Dear God, oh how can I survive?
Will I make this drop this dive?
When it all comes to this
I'm looking down at the abyss
Where you don't exist, you don't exist
But if you hear me if you can see me
I know I can't be that strong
'Cause everything I ever did went wrong
Everything I ever did went wrong
Oh God, now where do I come in?
Gone and broken everything
So I hope you'll understand
If someone needed a helping hand
It must be now, it must be now"

Annie Lennox




This post was scribbled in a notebook some time ago, but it remains - sadly - relevant.  When I heard the Annie Lennox song last week, I knew that it was time to share the post, however difficult it may be to do so.




2 comments:

Sarah PuffinDiaries said...

Amazing words, which I can relate to. I too have felt very lost in the last year and am now just starting to move forward again. I hope you find the strength to do so again soon.

Midlife Singlemum said...

I gave up most organised religion when I was still single and childless and well into my thirties. I used to think God hates me. On very bleak days I thought it was my own fault. Slowly my life got better. I'm not sure what my relationship with God is. The best I can describe it is 'damaged.'